On 27 September 2018, on my way to a men’s camp, God spoke to me, not in an audible voice, but an undeniable knowing that I need to repent, repent of all the things I thought: “It’s ok, I’ll just ask for forgiveness tomorrow.” It suddenly became unmistakably clear that I would someday (if not today) have to face God and give an account of my life. This genuinely overwhelming yet highly motivating thought pressed hard on me for the remainder of the weekend, during which I sat through a couple of teachings, getting so annoyed with the preacher because their doctrine didn’t agree with mine.
You see, I used to go to church, and I was sure I had a relationship with Jesus; I mean, I prayed every once in a while, and once when I asked my pastor about my sin in a moment of weakness, he answered: “You invited Jesus into your heart some time ago. Why are you worried? Just ask for forgiveness.”
Fuming with frustration as the preacher continued with his teaching, I wondered how I could dispute him. Still, I could not think of anything I could back up with scripture since the only scripture I knew was Romans 8:1
"Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus."
The urge to say something wore me down to extreme helplessness. I wanted never to feel this helpless again and vowed to read the Bible, so I would have some knowledge to back me up in the future.
Finally, the weekend came to an end, or at least I thought it was a good thing until God spoke again, elaborating on what He said previously. Not only did I need to repent, but I had to tell my wife about my pornographic habits as well. Dreadful of the potential consequences, I made my way home, thinking that this was the end of my marriage, but I knew what I had to do. So after getting home and settling the kids, I bit the bullet, and to my surprise, my wife said that she already knew. Not because of any evidence or a sneaky suspicion, but God had prepared her for this day with dreams. God had called her to fast, and as I confessed everything, it became clear that this is what God had called her to fast for. We agreed to abstain from any intimacy for a month as I worked through repentance.
Lying awake that night in complete and utter awe at how faithful God had proved himself to be, I remembered that feeling of helplessness and my vow to start reading the Bible. Where to start? Suddenly a faint memory of a friend saying, “If you ever start reading the Bible, start at 1 John,” popped into my mind. I knew the common perception is to start with John 1 (the gospel), but this intrigued me, which was unquestionably God-ordained. As I started reading, it became apparent that my fundamental belief was utterly flawed, ripping through my doctrine one verse at a time.
'If we claim to have fellowship with him and yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live out the truth. ' 1 John 1:6
'Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, love for the Father is not in them. ' 1 John 2:15
And the final blow:
'No one who lives in him keeps on sinning. No one who continues to sin has either seen him or known him. ' 1 John 3:6
I knew then that I had never known Jesus and that He had used the buildup of the last three days to introduce Himself to me. Blown away by His goodness, I repented of all my sin. I have fallen head over heels in love with Jesus, and I simply couldn’t get enough of Him, reading the Bible every chance I got, spending hours on my knees getting to know Him.
Thank you, Jesus, for revealing yourself to me and leading me to repentance. I love you and want to serve you every day of my life.
'Or do you despise the riches of His goodness, forbearance, and longsuffering, not knowing that the goodness of God leads you to repentance? ' Romans 2:4
God really is faithful: My relationship with my wife has been completely restored, even better than before. I’ve been freed from all pornography, lust, alcohol, lying, foul language, and a whole host of other sins, and now God is continually doing amazing things in my life. But more about that in my next post,
May God’s goodness and grace inspire and carry you.
Until next time.
Tian
DisciplesOfJesus 